Dear Dolly: I've done my homework

Daisy Shippey
Nov 9, 2023
11 min read

After finally reading Dolly Alderton's Everything I Know About Love, I've listened to Paul Simon in a bubble bath; I've watched Wes Anderson films; I've stopped religiously making myself hairless from the eyebrows down just incase I bring someone home from the club -- Dolly truly walked so we could run -- now I'm reflecting on what I know (or think I know) about love.

November 2023

I'm writing this halfway through my first week of two signed off from work due to mixed depressive and anxiety disorder. It's at points like this, when you've finished a sharing box of Malteasers and are crying over Disney Pixar's Cars, that you wonder how you got here.

Everything I knew about love at 16:

- Sex is not a life-changing experience.

- And WHAT is the big deal around foreplay?? Is it supposed to be good??

- Meeting someone you love and want to get married to and have children with is the most important thing. I will probably meet The One when I go to University.

- There is only one The One.

- Having children after 30 is not an option. I will be married around 25 and have two children shortly after.

- My friends with parents who are still married are the luckiest ever.

- Nothing feels better than a boy paying you attention.

- Having small boobs is the WORST. Putting two bras on to fill out my school shirt does not help - people see them when you're getting changed for P.E.

- Guys only want sex and they will leave you after. Probably because you weren't good enough, funny enough, interesting or mature enough.

- STIs are the most disgusting, shameful thing that could possibly happen. That will never be me.

- Pubic hair is embarrassing. Get rid of it before you see anyone.

It's character-building!

I've known I've wanted to write something like this for a while, and it just so happened that I picked up Dolly's bestseller on a trip to Paris in October and it spoke volumes to me at this point in my life. Although I don't quite relate to the level of underage alcoholism spoken about in her teenage years, I did, like a lot of my cohort, drink a few cans in a field when the opportunity presented itself. It wasn't until recently, having lived in London for 14 months at the time of writing, that I've realised I drink (and breath more vape than air) in social situations to numb the underlying dread of anxiety. It's only recently that I've realised I can get through two drinks of anything in the time my best friend and flatmate has had about 1/4 of her Raspberry and Apple Old Mout cider. "What are you anxious about?" My Dad asks, mystified as to how his "happy little girl" is now prescribed Sertraline. That's just it - I don't know, Dad.

The Eiffel Tower as seen by me, while appreciating girl time in Paris, October 2023

My picture of love growing up has been anything but straightforward, as my shrink will tell you. My parents have been separated since I was a baby, and although both are remarried there's a whole mess of crap that happened in the 20 years between then and now. But I can't even say I'm mad about it. I'm a firm believer that the adversity you overcome makes you who you are, and it all happened for a reason. The adversity I have experienced growing up has turned me into this hyper-sensitive hyper-empath. I'm just currently on the journey to making sure that's a blessing and not a curse when it comes to relationships with others as well as myself.

So am I anxious about being abandoned? Is it attachment anxiety? I've also realised recently that I don't actually know how it is not to worry about every single other person in a situation before I think about myself and my basic needs; everything becomes my responsibility. So is it anxiety about having control? I have to be in charge so I know the outcome?

Everything I knew about love at 20:

- Sex with someone you love is the most amazing thing in the world. You'll wonder why you let anyone else close to you in the same way.

- I will end up with my current boyfriend further down the line because I want to be part of his lovely family. They are such a tight unit and that means I'll have a secure future with him.

- I'm too young, however, to settle down right now, so maybe we can break up for a while so we can both get the single life out of our system and we can just get back together in a few years. We will still love each other then.

- I get the deal with foreplay now - but not everyone is good at it, or even wants to try to be.

- I will be married by 27 and still have kids no older than 30.

- Having small boobs is fine, because my ass is great, and I don't have back pain. Fuck everyone who made me feel bad in high school.

- Having a boy's attention is the best feeling in the world.

- Jealousy and being ghosted tie for the worst feelings in the world.

- Loving someone is hard and not always rewarding.

- The honeymoon phase of a relationship is no more than 6 months. After then I turn into a nagging bitch.

- Pushing people away to see how much they try to stay in your life is either just a short-term win or a heartbreaking loss that you brought on yourself.

- All boys will just be nice to get you, then stop trying when they have you. If you feel like you're in a resentful 30-year marriage, you're in love.

- STIs are literally gone within a week with one pill (still, try not to get them).

- Blue eyes are the best

- If they love you, they don't care about pubic hair.

Thank U, Next

Speaking to an ex-boyfriend who has remained one of my best friends, we realised how important it was to communicate our love languages. We would continually revisit the dissecting of our relationship over the phone in the months following the break-up, like it was a murder-mystery we were never satisfied we'd got to the bottom of, even though the season finale already told us whodunnit. Not having the same love languages wasn't the issue, it was expecting the other to read our minds as to what it was, and therefore, by default, spoke their own, expecting to get through.

The fact I still spoke to said ex-boyfriend for six months following the break-up was the topic of many conversations with friends, as they were curious as to why I didn't cut ties straight away. Without delving into my personal relationship with this person, I think it outlines something I know needs to be addressed within myself and within the zoom sessions I have with my lovely therapist once a week; I can't let go. Something I'll candidly admit to being very scared of is that no one will love me again. I mean, I'm shocked these guys even put up with me at all. Hello, low self-esteem here. My first long-term boyfriend treated me like a princess for the first few months - I mean he really went above and beyond. The chase, the coffees into work, the flying to Seattle just to see me a week earlier after I'd been in America for three months. After we broke up I was certain we'd get back together; we just needed to figure some stuff out, do some growing up. I still don't laugh at my younger self or consider myself naive for thinking that - I was in love, and all I could see was how safe and secure our future would be together. How was I to know better? We split up because of both of our insecurities and immaturities - I kept pushing him away to test his love and he didn't understand anxiety or depression, making me feel guilty and embarrassed for having episodes I couldn't at the time control. I've just grown to learn that you can't be angry with someone for not being who they were in the first few months of the relationship, and eventually you have to realise you can't be in love with someone who isn't there anymore.

My last boyfriend taught me so many more lessons in the last year than I could have imagined. Or maybe I just learnt them on my own while he was in my life. Anyway, we started dating in September 2022, shortly after I first moved to London. He was, however, from a different city. He became by best friend. We spoke on the phone every night, and I've realised how lonely I would have been had I not had him to talk to. We watched Netflix together while on FaceTime. I never got bored of him. We started making the effort to see each other but, after becoming exclusive in March, by May we couldn't do it anymore. Being short on money and time isn't exactly the recipe for a successful long-distance relationship. On top of that, I was still battling with my crippling FOMO, telling me I was missing out on something in London, that I wasn't spending my twenties properly. Another part of Alderton's book comes screaming back to me - when she spoke of her FOMO as sensing there was always some "pot of gold" happening somewhere in London, and she wasn't ever finding it. Although I recognise it may never totally go away, what would make me really happy is for my rational voice to be firm and secure enough to settle the paranoia down. I just want to be happy knowing I am where I'm meant to be.

My sister sent me an article recently published in Stylist by Amy Beecham, titled 'I'm terrified of wasting my life: why women in 2023 are experiencing so much time pressure' and I breathed a slight sigh of relief that, if there's an article written on it, there will be thousands of other people that will be feeling the same as me, at least. I think what I've come to realise recently is that I'm terrified of just that: running out of time. If I'm 23 now, that only gives me seven years to meet, have a relationship with and get married to a man before I - at the latest - want to have my first child at 30 (The health anxiety I have around fertility is enough to fill a whole separate post - watch this space). As much as I appreciate times have changed and there is no pressure from anyone else to have babies by or at 30, this is something I still personally want. It's terrifying and mystifying and amazing and exciting and mind-blowing to think that within seven short years (considering being 15 does not feel that long ago), I could be in a job I love, that pays and I could do partly from home, that I could have fallen in love with someone and we'll have travelled, moved in, maybe even lived in another country for a year, got a dog and may be ready to get married. Even while I'm writing this, I feel like I should be changing my mind. Scoff at me all you like - I can actually hear you rolling your eyes at me through the screen. Although relationships are absolutely not in my control, because I know I can't control when my path will cross with The One, I firmly believe I can still achieve the timeline I set my mind to. I set myself the target of graduating with a first, paying for myself to have a two-week trip to Bali and moving to London in 2022, and I made all of that happen. 2023, admittedly, has slowed down in terms of huge achievements like graduations, but I've started a new job, moved house 4 times since moving to London, and have finally taken the leap to tackle my mental health with a prescription. I - we all - need to make sure to acknowledge those achievements just as much as the traditional milestones.

I think my time anxiety, health anxiety and attachment anxiety is all something within my control, and the answer, the light at the end of the tunnel, is, as cliché as it sounds, to love yourself like you would your best friend in a time of need - be compassionate and patient, buy yourself chocolate and wrap yourself up tight. There is an inner child in all of us who is absolutely terrified by all this, who doesn't understand why your boss is saying you're not good enough, who doesn't know how bills or taxes work (the adult in most of us still doesn't), who is navigating London just playing being a grown-up. Stop and give yourself credit for how far you've come. In the words of our Dolly: "You are enough."

Everything I know about love at 23:

- Other people's relationships aren't always as they seem - staying in a resentful relationship is not necessarily proof of love.

- Communication is THE most important thing in a relationship, whether you live in different cities or under the same roof.

- Who you spend the rest of your life with is a combination of destiny and choosing to put the work in. I believe who you end up with was always meant to be, but you get to choose who you decide to put the work in with.

- You can't fix other people or force them on the same route of recovery you have been on. If you love them, you need to love them for who they are. If they need to change for you to love them, even to an earlier version of themselves, let them go.

- Brown eyes are the best

- Rugby boys may be hot but they know it - engage with caution and for goodness sake try not to fall in love with all of them.

- Lingerie is an expensive waste of time. They pay no attention to it, it's hard to take off, and sometimes they'll be too tired to do anything and you'll feel like an idiot having wriggled into it for nothing. (I will probably still continue to buy it)

- You're not desperate for shooting your shot or making the first move. Others are really just as shy and insecure and terrified of rejection as you are. Just ask them out. Worst case scenario: they reject you. Move on; the universe says it wasn't meant to be.

- The relief of getting a negative STI result back never gets old.

- My love languages are Physical Touch and Acts of Service.

- The right decisions can be the hardest. Always remember the universe has a plan, if that brings you any comfort.

- You really actually won't be happy in a relationship if you're not okay on your own first. Love and enjoy your own company, and let the relationship find you.

- Saying that, it's so very much totally okay to want someone to spend Sundays with. We are only humans, usually happiest and safest as part of a pack.

- Your friends shouldn't become a back-up plan if your partner is unavailable. Prioritise plans with your friends. (Saying this, friends should allow you to enjoy your honeymoon phase without making you feel bad. Everyone is different.)

- The love of your friends is a different kind of love you have with a partner. Cherish and nurture it.

- Your partner should be your best friend.

- Few things feel better than someone pulling you into them, sending you a song that makes them think of you, or telling you they love you.

- A romantic playlist is not complete without Bon Iver, Fleetood Mac and/or Billy Joel.

- You are not responsible for everyone else's emotions. You are in a world of adults. They may have their own battles, inner children and insecurities, and it's good of you to be considerate of this, but they are not for you to take care of, fix, or cater to.

- Guys couldn't give a fuck if you have pubic hair or not. They aren't paying attention to it. If they judge you behind your back for it - they have way too much spare time, they are unintelligent and absolutely not worth thinking about.

- Never go to sleep angry.

- Writing letters that you won't send to those who you want to text but know you shouldn't is a healthy way to get things out your system without actually bringing them into it.

- A bubble bath, a good book and a Bon Iver Spotify radio will get you through anything.

- Failing that, your favourite movie, your duvet and a bag of Malteasers should do it.

- Love, actually, is all around.